What’s in a number? I was born on the 13th. So in turn, I took 13 as my number. Many find it an unlucky number, but I find it helps to define my personality. It defines that I am competitive, driven, never satisfied,  and that I may have the occasional outburst of directness. These character traits are what sustained me in life and athletics. But these traits are also what can cause me great agony when the pressures of life come to my max and the passions within me come exploding out and the filter of control I once had is unavailable. 13, how I love this number. How I love that it can define me and represent me.

My daughter chose to take my number. Perhaps most importantly because it was my number. I mean, 13 has represented me well. I was born on that day, I was married on that day, and with all the stigma that comes with 13, I am happy to embrace that it has served me well. It has served her well so far. It did take her some time to mold into all that it represents, but now when I watch her play soccer, volleyball, basketball, or run cross country I get to see firsthand the driven, aggressive, and competitor inside of her.

Today is May 31st. And as this day has been approaching me, it suddenly occurred to me that 31, is 13 backwards. It has taken me 16 years to discover the simplicity of those digits turned around. The number that has been such a part of me, made me proud to represent it, when flipped caused me the hardest day of my life.

16 years have passed and it just doesn’t seem possible. I have let 16 years pass away too quickly. Although, I am convinced that today, God is sending me on a journey of change. A journey to re represent what this day has meant to me for the last 16 years. Although this chapter will never be complete until I have passed from this world, it can take a new path. It can move me from a day of sadness to a day of new beginnings. Today, I close on a house in Michigan and close on a house in Tennessee. And what so many would not know, is that a high school trip with friends to Gatlinburg, TN my senior year of High school placed on my heart a love for the smokey mountains. After that trip I was asked to plan out a timeline of my life, from beginning to the future. And on this timeline I put I wanted to live in Tennessee. I didn’t remember it until I cam across it just a few years ago. New beginnings. God’s message of taking a tragic day in my young marriage and transitioning it to be looked at differently.

16 years ago, God gave me this child. It has taken me 16 years to have the courage, strength to put the finality of his life to rest. Some could judge me and I am sure they will because I didn’t mark his grave sooner. There truly is a multitude of reasons of why we didn’t. But the fact is we didn’t. Some ask, did I ever visit him? Yes, I did more often than I would care to admit to. What did I visit? My response is : What does anyone visit? I visited the spot where we had his graveside service. I visited the section in which he lay, I sat on the bricks in the baby section, where multiple little babies have been laid to rest. I sat and imagined what life would have been like with him. I sat and reflected on the day he was born and died. Why? It was so brief I didn’t want to forget a moment of it. I didn’t want a moment to leave my heart. I wanted to remember how he looked, felt, how I watched him so intensely as he left this world in my arms. And what I wouldn’t give to have that moment again. I don’t want to relive it to feel the pain, but to be connected to the moment that shifted me.

But, after 16 years and the anticipation of new beginnings, we have found strength in God, and the courage and love to mark sweet Cameron’s grave. And I have to say there is a part if me that is glad we waited because it has allowed us the chance to make his marker a complete family moment.

His grave will be marked and this day will now be marked by not only the day that changed our lives forever, but as a day of a new adventure. A new beginning. Instead feeling the pain of a life lost, we can see just that a new life. A new chapter. It won’t make  anything easier, but it will represent something different for us.

“Cameron Charles Cox”

“We’ll hold you in our hearts, until we can hold you in Heaven” Mom, Dad, Jonah, Peighton & Ellery