I passed a stranger today…

She was going into the kitchen

As I was coming out…

I saw the stranger again…

She was leaving the table

Just as I was sitting down…

Tonight, I prayed as the stranger

Settled into sleep…

And standing in the hallway, I

Leaned my head against her closed door…

And bid sweet dreams to a stranger

By silently saying…

“Good Night Mother”

Dear mom:

I sometimes dream of what if would be like to sit and have a conversation with you that would clear the air. I don’t think a relationship is possible but more because too much damage has occurred to my heart and too many unmendable pieces of me are shattered. And a sit down just isn’t possible so I write because writing allows me a freedom to be me. It allows me to express myself. When I think of a meeting of resolution I think of an admission of guilt, admission of wrong doing, an admission of responsibility. But the one thing that comes to my mind when I think of a resolution is hearing your voice telling me I owe you an apology and that you expect one from me. For years I have heard you say that to me and for years those words would replay in my mind. And I truly can be the bigger person and apologize. But what apology do you want from me. I have agonized over what is truly so wrong with me. I have ventured into adult life and am nearing my 40th birthday with the idea that I am not enough, even my own mother doesn’t think I am enough.  So why would I think the God of this universe would think I am enough. It’s truly the battle of my mind. I have to take up the shield of faith to protect the shattered insides of me and trust that God will continue to sustain my brokenness and mend me. This lack of love, acceptance or being enough for you, is one of the many thorns of my existence. It digs deep inside and infects my body. It infects me because I question everything, every persons ability to love me, every hug, every gesture of support, and every word said to me. Is this the day the person I have allowed to enter my heart and love will reject me. Is this the day I will disappoint the man who has served as a dad figure in my life? Is this the day the woman who has come alongside me since I was young will walk away? Questions. Attacked by the enemy

So I want desperately to apologize to you, but I always feel so empty of what it needs to be. I am also confident in that I will do it wrong. So what do I need to apologize for: for not being what you wanted, for not being smart enough, successful enough, pretty enough. For looking like my dad, whom your angry at because he died. Have you ever thought about what it is like for me- to look like  a man, I don’t know. A man, whom I resemble. A man, who to so many was so perfect and good. It’s hard for me to reconcile that I am like something I can never be good enough to be loved by. Could we all stop and think of that battle. “If a daughter knows she has her dad’s love life makes sense” Meg Meeker. Life doesn’t make sense to me, it never has. I have felt rejected my entire life.

Do you want me to apologize for being the daughter who had the grandkids, or do I need to apologize for being a kid, a kid who in the darkest hour of her life said the words “you killed my dad” in a car ride, hurtful words I am sure, but words that came off my lips and touched the air and I was cursed from that moment on. Is it those words that defined me and defined that you would never again accept me. Do you not realize that those words crush my soul and have tormented me my entire life. Why? Well they are the words that rolled off the tongue and into existence and have been told to me, told to others, and repeated for 36 years. I have argued with you about the innocence of my being when I said those words, but that never seemed to matter to you. To you, they were my words and I will forever be tarnished, scarred, held accountable for, and tortured for my words. I can’t even seem to find the strength to forgive myself for the words. I am not sure if I know where to begin to forgive myself because it has defined me for so long, I believe the message.

I am defeated in a multitude of ways. Am I strong- willed- YES, am I stubborn- YES, am  I determined- YES, and am I direct- YES. Some of what I am is what I was forced to become. But am I confident sometimes, do I question my worth absolutely, do I question  if someone can love me for who I am- YES! I have battles inside me that I fight everyday because I grew up knowing that who I am wasn’t enough for you. I had to find my security, safety and love someplace else. I grew up feeling neglected, unloved, unworthy, imperfect, a failure, and unwanted. I tried hard to rise above it, but I felt like I was drowning in my inability to make you proud or for you to just love me. And one day in my adult life I just gave up. I made a decision that it wasn’t possible. In my heart I had to forgive you, even if you didn’t think you needed forgiveness. I had to forgive you and I still have to forgive you. I have to remind myself I have forgiven you. The day I gave up, I had freedom, freedom to choose to be in a relationship with you or to not. I was tired of being beat up emotionally by all I could never be in your eyes. I was tired of being uncomfortable in my own home because I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong things, not being who you wanted to me to be. I could never just be. The older I got, the more I realized how little you really knew about me. Most people, who know me, know that I am sarcastic, funny, laid back, athletic, strong-willed, stubborn, and determined. They know I don’t cry, I closed off myself to tears because I was taught it was a weakness. I sometimes think some of what you made in me was in order to teach me to be what you couldn’t be. You cried a lot, but told me I couldn’t. To you I am serious, stoic, with little sense of humor girl. But I believe its how you created me to be. Do I think some of it was deep inside of me, I sure do. Another part of it was created in me due to the environment. I struggled as a child: you would lose your temper and it could become violent and then the next moment you were normal. The waves of uncertainty was like waiting for a volcano to erupt. And I never knew when it would erupt, how it would erupt, or what would cause the eruption. I just knew making a slight movement could cause the eruption.

Your inability to accept responsibility for your actions and cast blame onto me, is the message I internalized. I grew up knowing I was definitely, less worthy of love, less valued and insignificant. And perhaps I gave off the sense I didn’t have a heart with my unemotional being, but I do have a heart, I do have feelings, and I am normal, but… But ask those “parental models” in my life, the ones that know the deep me and you will hear their words that I am scarred, I am broken, I am shattered, but that I have feelings, I fight back tears, I fight the need to be loved, to be hugged, or to be embraced. I fight it because I think its weakness, or because I don’t think its possible for someone to find me worthy enough to be called someone’s daughter. My parental models can tell me they love me, they can hug me, or they can tell me they are proud of me. A few days later, I can go back to them and question why do you love me, or ask them are you still proud of me. Sometimes I tell them, you don’t want to love me because I will disappoint you. It’s a battle, a battle I fight everyday. Am I blaming you- nope, its my battle, it’s the battle I am facing. Do I think some of my youth is the culprit of it all- absolutely, but I can stand behind that mistakes happen, and trudging through parenthood is rough. But do I want to rekindle mother/daughter relationship no. I can’t because it’s too risky. In my marriage who is the risk taker me or my husband I am! But even I have evaluated this situation and come to the conclusion the risk too great for me. My shattered insides cannot take this great risk.

So mom, forgive me for not being the daughter you wanted. Sorry, if my four words at the age of four broke what could have been a great mother/daughter relationship. I am sorry I couldn’t bring you happiness, or the ability to love me as I am. I am truly sorry that I have failed you and that I could not be the daughter you dreamed, or wished I had been. I am sorry. I have tried to prove to you that I am worthy of something, and carried the guilt that I am not enough. Please accept my apology and let the past rest where it is, in the past and move forward. I can’t keep looking back to what was. I have a life to live regardless of how you choose to see me. I am something to someone and I have to cling to that and remind myself that my soul is beautifully loved by another, who can fill the cracks of my shattered being.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart. I have to forgive even if you don’t think you need forgiveness, because I need this life to stop destroying my heart. I have to be able to fix my eyes on the One who loves me, the One who sustained me through my childhood, the same One who still sustains me when I focus my eyes on Him.

Daughter.