Sitting on the Mount of Beatitudes reminded me of the simplicity of life as the sun began to rise each morning. It was a serene place. You saw the calmness of the sea of Galilee and felt a dry breeze the closer you walked toward the waters. I was reminded of each step I took; this is where it is believed Jesus
gave the sermon on the mount. And I was walking on those stones, and I was overlooking where Jesus overlooked. Who is to say this wasn’t a place where Jesus stepped away when He needed to breathe and take a moment of silence and solitude? And here I was trying to take in every moment, every feeling-everything because I didn’t want to miss the beauty that was staring back atme. I had gotten into a rut of routine and doing instead of being present and active. My soul was weary, weak, and lost when I went to Israel.

Pete Scazzero says, “Solitude is the practice of being absent from people and things to attend to God. Silence is the practice of quieting every inner and outer voice to attend to God”.

Every morning I spent in this beautiful place was early before the sun rose because my 5 am wake-up in the U.S. became more like a 3:30-4 am wake-up in Israel. What does one do when they awake before the sun does? You go out into the darkness, sit, and wait patiently for the sun to rise. Do you know what happens to your soul when you sit in this silence? Do you know how hard a body that has been broken by trauma silences the inaudible voices it hears on repeat? You have to find the place where you sit on the steps of the soul to be present with a Savior who sits with you. The tears may not physically fall yet, but the tears are felt in this deep place buried within me that only Jesus sees. Here on the mount of beatitudes, I found Jesus in a place deep within me that stirred the broken layers of my soul in the darkness and silence of those mornings. And I began to see myself how Jesus sees me.

Every morning all I could hear was “Come” Come to Jesus to lay your weary head. Come to Jesus and fall on Him. Come to Jesus and cry. Come to Jesus and live. Here’s my heart; oh, take and seal it.

Hard times don’t need to understand what God’s doing~ Hard times need to know God’s standing with us, and He’s kneeling in prayer for us at all times~ Ann Voskamp

What a glorious truth! My broken soul doesn’t need to ask or need to understand God’s doing, but my soul needs to know only that God is standing with me- just like He stood in the fiery furnace and in the den with Daniel.

Upon my return from Israel, I made a short but nonetheless impactful trip to Michigan. I was overwhelmed with emotions and feelings, and those that know me know I am not at all good at processing those. At times it was so overwhelming I found myself lacking the space I needed to cut the world out so I could just stuff every thought and feeling. In the middle of it, all this picture below
was snapped, and I was reminded in the midst of my agonizing personal struggle of what a family outside of mine can look like~ and in some strange Jesus way, I am part of this one. My time in Michigan ended not with a snapped picture but with memory. I got to see my adopted grandparents again, and something inside me was overwhelmed, and I didn’t think I just reacted. Miracles can happen when I let go of the processors in my head. I ran and hugged Arden and Thelma like it had been a year since I last saw them, and it had just been- maybe a month. The memory keeps flashing into my brain- I kept wondering why. It was the scene of the beatitudes. “Come” Come to Jesus to lay your weary head. Come to Jesus and fall on Him. Come to Jesus and cry. Come to Jesus and live. Here’s my heart; oh, take and seal it. My run to them is what Jesus invites us all to do if we are willing. And Jesus will receive you just as you are, as did Arden and Thelma. This is why my mind keeps flashing the moment to my mind. Come as you are~
come to Jesus.

 ^“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b)

God is with me now and always. There are days I wake up and wonder. It’s those cold mornings when I awake, and the sun hasn’t appeared, and I make my way to find the warmth of my coffee to sit with you, God. Life can look bleak; it can look lonely and even dark sometimes. And I can wonder where you are. The vulnerability of my soul is captured within you as we sit on the steps of soul. When I want to run away from you, you are there. When I want to escape the world and dash all the obstacles coming my way, you call me to sit and be still. Oh God, we will always be together. I may roll my eyes at you; I may tell you this life of mine is too complicated. I may even tell you that you don’t know what’s best for me- Yet you are the sovereign God, who holds all of me within your palm. These years of change bring me to one place. The steps of my soul, the place I struggle to put myself. But you lure me in with patience. This life can feel like a constant thorn that grows and divides inside of me to create even more thorns, and my stubbornness prevents me from allowing healing. Healing creates a place where the damage of the thorns can no longer grow roots. And yet, in the stillness of the darkness, I hear, “I will be here” How can I ever question it? Yet, I do some days. I find myself trapped with the tape recorder in my head that replays the false messages. So, I hold on tight because when I am grasping onto you, I am taking hold of hope. So, as I walk through the valley of it all, you are there. And we meet again in the place where my fear must meet the God I know. And I must lay down before you every thorn and stop running away from the steps where you sit patiently waiting for me to sit long enough. The steps of my soul scare me; the vulnerability it exposes ignites the desire to flee. Fleeing is easier. Fleeing you is impossible. You are the God who sees me, the God who loves me just because. You love the girl who can’t quite grasp the concept. Yet, you still love me. You haven’t asked me to grasp it; you have just asked me to accept it.

“And we know that all things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purposes. “(Romans 8:28). Sitting with you on the steps of my soul every morning- as uncomfortable as it can be for me is the place we meet. It is the place where you remind me, “I will be here always.”

“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” John 6:37

“Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing you didn’t see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make away
Let Him show you how,’ you can lay this down
‘Cause, you’re not alone.”

(Casting Crowns, Oh My Soul)

“Every human friend has a limit. If we offend enough, if a relationship gets damaged enough, if we betray enough times, we are cast out. The walls go up. “(Ortlund, 2020). I wouldn’t say I live in fear, nor am I a fearful person. But I am afraid of my past. I am afraid of that girl who was broken, cast out, and left clinging onto hope because when you are holding onto hope, you are holding onto Jesus.

Cast out. This is a feeling. It’s fear. My soul yearns to be in the presence of God. In a presence from which I will not be cast out from. A presence where all that gets suppressed deep inside of me would be exposed. The place where the walls crumble down like the walls of Jericho. Where is that place? How do I find that place? My soul is hungry for you, God. My soul thirsts for you. My soul yearns to face the deepest crevices and lay down that which keeps the walls up. Somewhere along this adventure together, I still draw from that empty well instead of meeting you at the well where my soul will never grow thirsty. I take myself back to empty places that nobody goes because it feels safe. It feels secure- why? Security lies in the arms of a God who loves me beyond my comprehension. A love my mind can’t wrap itself around, yet it exists.

“My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.”

Psalms 63:8

Come to me. God, you say this to me daily- Come to me. “Come to me, says Christ. I will embrace you into my deepest being and never let you go” (Ortlund, 2020).

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).

All God is saying to me is that I am sitting on the steps of your soul, and the deep place that nobody goes waiting for you to sit here in this place where you won’t be cast out- come sit with me. So why is it so hard to sit? My soul longs for that embrace. My soul thirsts for you, God. So, we will sit for how long for as long as it takes.

Ortlund, D. C. (2020). Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers. Crossway.

Genesis 4:1-26

Names. Parents search and look at names to give their unborn child and they all have a meaning. Sometimes, I wonder who decided that the name Matthew means “gift of God” But here in this first family we see names given and meaning behind the name applied. Eve, is named and her name means “life”. It is curious that after the fall, Eve is named. The name that means life is first mentioned when darkness begins. We will see Eve give birth to Cain, and his name means “acquired, or brought forth” Due to my curiosity I looked up my own name Jayme- it means “may God protect”. I can say I was relieved that it didn’t say “Hugger” that might propose a problem for me.

I think we all can relate to Eve’s thinking. She ate the fruit, was banished from the garden, along with being given the promise in Genesis 3:15. Isn’t it curious though that Eve gives birth to Cain and perhaps she believed Cain was the promise seed? I mean why not. She was given this promise from God. But then again, she hadn’t yet experienced that thing about God, His timing. God’s timing is not our timing. Which I know in the long run is always perfect, but sometimes I like my timing better. Can you fault Eve for expecting Cain to be promised seed?

As the first family is beginning, we get a picture of life outside of the garden. Can you imagine growing up in this family, where Adam and Eve told stories of the creator creating them? And perhaps Cain rolled his eyes at the concept? I don’t know, this is one thought. I mean we all do it in some way. I remember when the advanced age people in my life would tell me stories and I would roll my eyes because I didn’t want to believe it or I just didn’t want to hear it. Cain and Abel both brought sacrifices to God yet it’s the core of their offering that could be determining whether it was done with a heart of an eye roll or a heart yielding to God.

But there is another thought at hand. Genesis 3:21 is a picture of the first sacrifice in the Bible. It’s a scene in which God makes a blood sacrifice to clothe Adam and Eve. In this picture, it reveals that a blood sacrifice is essential for an offering to God. When you look at the sacrifices of Cain and Abel, one was of blood and one was not. Some could argue that Cain worked the soil and Abel worked the flocks, which is true, but sometimes I wonder if this is just a way to justify actions? Still, after Cain offers his sacrifice and its not accepted, there is God approaching Cain. God doesn’t come to Cain in anger, but His approach is to lead him into repentance. God comes to us when we have wronged someone, or we have sinned in some other way. God approaches us, and it’s in our response that reveals our heart.

Verse 8 reveals what Cain’s heart felt. Cain lured his brother to a field to kill him. The first murder, but it’s not just that he murdered him, Cain capitalized on Abel’s trust. Cain was his brother. This picture of a brother killing a brother is an example of sin crouching at the door, desiring to have you. It reveals, jealousy at its core. It’s the overtaking of sin of ones body.

When I read this story this week, I was reminded of something someone said in leader’s meeting about how Eve talked to the serpent. They were questioning the fact that she was unafraid of a snake. And as I processed this idea- it occurred to me Eve had no reason to be afraid of a snake. Adam had named all the animals and he was to rule over them, so why would she be afraid? The serpent capitalized on Eve’s trust the same way Cain capitalized on Abel’s trust. We begin to see a similarity in these two stories, but there is one key difference. Adam and Eve after sought by God, repented. Cain, given multiple attempts, chose not to repent, but turn from God. Cain, chose to cast blame, similar to his parents, but isn’t that what we all like to do. No one wants to be found guilty, but to be seen as justified. It’s hard to be found guilty or to accept responsibility.

Cain, leaves the presence of God to built kingdom Cain. Imagine for a moment this scene. Adam and Eve: one son is buried in the ground at the hands of their other son. Now, the son whom is a murderer leaves. A picture of the destruction of sin. A sin that began in the garden at their hands- generational sin. Cain builds his kingdom.

Interestingly, when I first read and see Cain building his kingdom, it slightly reminds me of the tribe of Judah and the tribe of Israel. One tribe led by one bad king after another, while the other kingdom, while it did have a few bad apples intermixed, it was more filled with God honoring kings. As Cain, builds his kingdom, it gives the appearance as if what he is building is successful. He was successful without God. It’s very similar to many things in life today. Outwardly, we can look, appear to be successful, but inside we are not. It again brings you back to that heart. Do we have a heart yielding to God or a heart of an eye roll? God wants more of me than just the occasional prayer or a five minute pop open Bible to read a devotion which I can check off a list. God desires me into an intimate relationship with Him. One that pushes me to confront the demons that surround me. The demons of fear or mistrust that certainly cause me to question myself.

Adam and Eve were grieved over their sin. Cain, picked up as if unfazed by his sin. And if you read on, you will see the continuing ramifications of Cain’s choice and lack of repentance. The end of chapter 4 leaves us with Adam and Eve having another son. Seth, would be the line that brings people to begin calling on the name of the Lord. Seth, means anointed, compensation.

A start to my 20th year of doing Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). Back in the fall of 1998 I started BSF, with my leader Madeline and teaching leader Kathy. I would eventually go through 6 teaching leaders- yikes, and partaking in BSF in 3 different states. This year, will mark my 4th time doing Genesis. Some could say, I should know this book completely, but I do not. I pick up new things every time I sit down and read my Bible. I think for me its why the Bible is fascinating to me. Each season of life that I venture through, I discover a new truth, a new perspective and sometimes it’s just an old reminder of that which has left my mind.

Genesis 1

I have discovered this beautiful creation story. Where God forms and fills the Earth. It’s a book written by Moses and God to the Israelites before they enter Canaan. Moses is writing this creation story to the Israelites for them to know who and why. I am so often caught up in the how and when. God doesn’t lay out His plan for me like a map because I would be there pestering Him asking, when and how. God wanted the Israelites to know then, what we need to know and understand now. The who– God and the why– because he loved what He created. It’s why at the end of creating man He says “it was very good” We are a direct product of God’s creativeness. Far too often I see myself in a light that is gloom and dark filled, while God sees and views me as His creation. The one whom, He created for such a time as this. Here in this first chapter we get to see something made out of nothing. We get see the roots of beginnings that will become the shoots of faith. We see the trinity. “In the beginning, God”, “Spirit of God hovering over the waters”, “Let us make mankind in our image”

Genesis 2

The 7th day of creation, where God blesses it , making it holy and rests. One key set of repeated phrases are missing from this setting. “And there was evening and morning” An unending Sabbath day with God, a day meant to go on and on of God’s creation worshipping Him. We are being offered an invitation by God to embrace this ongoing day and trust the story of God. Some, have asked did God need to rest? Did he need a break? No, of course not. Why, then did God rest? Perhaps God rested on the 7th day to teach the Israelites to rest and in turn teach us to rest. The Israelites, were God’s chosen people and for years they were slaves to Pharoah. Their job was to make bricks- hard, manual labor. So much of the Israelites daily tasks were built upon being hard, labor workers, and God wanted them to rest. To rest in His embrace. The same way He wants us to rest in His embrace.

I recently listened to a speaker talking about how our society views and measures a persons worth. A persons worth is far too often defined by their title, degree, salary and so on. The Israelite who could make the brick the fastest, his worth was of greatness to Pharoah. I have often thought if I were an Israelite, even though I probably could not be a brick maker because, I am a girl. I am confident I would be the best brick maker there was-why? Not because I needed to be found worthy, but because I am just that competitive. But, I think if you pick apart the Israelites you will see we are all the same, it’s just our surroundings that have altered. I, am a degree-less person and there are numerous times I am overlooked or reminded how others have something I don’t have. As if to say my worth is directly associated with a degree. This is just the thing that God was wanting to break in the Israelites. They were worthy, loved, wanted, and valued not by what they could produce, but because of who they were. And you and are the same. We are fighting the same fight.

This fall, I started taking classes at a community college, and I am not even sure why. I would get the kind of statements you may need to hear occassionaly. The “I am proud of you” or the “you will love the successful feeling of accomplishing this” All well -meaning statements, but a few weeks in, I kept asking myself “What am I doing?” I am not even passionate about what I am studying. And I had this day, where I sat outside this beautiful tree, the one pictured above. And God and I had a conversation. I conversate everywhere with God, in the car, at the store, in the house, and yes out loud. A blessing and curse gifted to me from my grandmother. And I remember sitting there in this moment and thinking well does this mean those well meaning statements are now false. Those faces won’t be proud because I won’t accomplish the degree that should define my success? And as the breeze passed over my body, I heard- your value is in who you are not in what you do. Although, degrees are nice they usually include higher paying jobs, which equates to making more money, which leads to many other fine things in life. But me, I am just that girl that is pretty content living the life God has called me to where ever that may be. But here is the thing about God, when I get caught in the middle of my mess, He ever so gently reminds who I am to Him. And while the seeds of disappoint may fight their way to the surface, I can cling to the One where my soul finds rest.

Genesis 3

Adam and Eve and a garden. A garden of perfection planted out of God’s great love for them, and one for Adam and Eve to enjoy, delight in, and find pleasure. But this chapter is about the fall. Sin enters. God asked them to do one thing- do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Somedays, I can sit and think, truly how hard could it be to not eat from that tree when you are in paradise. BUT, my husband and I am sure a few others who attest that if they tell me to go left, I will go right, if you tell me I can’t do something, I will do it, just to prove you wrong. I am just that way.

The part I pull out of these verses truly is the idea of how Eve was deceived, but going further its the same form of deception we see today. Words are twisted, manipulated, removed, or added to bring about a different meaning or question what we know and think about God and scriptures. It often reminds me of how blessed I have been to have been taught young to not just memorize scriptures but to understand them, apply them, recite them and use my Bible as the resource of all. So when confronted or even challenged, I use my Bible as the backbone to all. The reality of this first sin is this: Eve listened to the serpent, Adam, who by the way was just standing next to her listened to the serpent and then to Eve, and no one listened to God. And that day- they died spiritually and were driven out of paradise. Eve in a moment doubted the goodness of God.

God described His creation with the word “good” And I tend to think He used that word, “good” because it is a building block to faith. In the beginning God, and in the beginning God is good. All of what He created was good. And we need to know above all else we serve a good God, a good father, a good creator- God is good. And just like when I struggle and see disappointment, I am struggling to see that God is good. The image of God is in me, it’s a part of me, it’s in my created being. And I need to see that I am good. I am where God wants me, who He wants me to be, and I need to trust in Him who created me.

Genesis a book of beginnings. An eye opening account of God’s creation. A book that is more than just a story. It is intimate look at God’s love for His creation.

The still small voice. It’s God. I had a woman tell me once “if its odd, its God” yep I can see that. I find God repeats himself to me, I can’t imagine why? Perhaps, its because I ignore it, think He is crazy, and somedays I literally say out loud, sorry I can’t hear you? Most of the time when I say it, it is because what I am hearing is a bit far fetched. I started recording my life. I have this journal where I jot down the dates and what happened. Some of it is just simple stuff like things I notice that I am grateful for, like a random text from a good friend, or how thankful I was for electricity because we were out for days. Other times God does weird stuff, like it was a foggy day on my drive to work and I said in the car to God how this is how I feel my life is… a big fog cloud, it would be really nice if you cleared it. What happened- the fog disappeared. Other drivers could thank me for that blessing! I went onto tell God- that wasn’t what I meant. But what happened within the fog cloud and the dates that followed its kind of…. well odd. March 18th, I texted a friend, who many who don’t know our lives think we are sisters- not sure why. Although, she is like a sister to me. Anyway, she has been on my tail for a great too many years about me going back to school- she is nuts too! I told her she is nuts! I am to old and I just don’t think its for me. Anyway, I texted her to pray about me possibly going back to school- yeah- like what was I thinking! Two weeks later, I had the fog experience. two weeks after that I was ecstatic to be able to go to TJ Maxx and I literally entered the building, after directing a grumpy lady to the back of the line- ya sorry not cuts. I entered got to the back corner and the power goes out- gee thanks God. Before the manager came to me in a panic I heard God- telling me how hard it is to see in the darkness. Yep, I told Him, its a good thing I have a light on my phone. Something tells me He wasn’t humored by me.

I have come to realize the moments where I want to take my kids and knock sense into them, He (God) perhaps may feel the same way about me- I don’t know, its just a thought. This time God moved a little quicker the next day, I was reading a book and I kid you not the words read about some old lady- and she was old, 74! This 74 year old not only got a degree, she wrote a book. Two things off my life to do list! I reread the sentences a few times, not convinced that was actually what I read or that she was actually 74 years old. As I read that I could hear God saying- “You don’t believe in coincidences” eye roll- yep I don’t. I literally put the book down and was refusing to read any further in this book recommended for me to read by a dear pastor/friend of mine. I am not stubborn, not at all. As if this wasn’t odd enough, I still told God I needed more proof this is the direction, He wants me to go. I get an email from the community college I had applied to 6-months earlier- why- I have no clue? They are telling me to do 100 things, one of which was to complete some form. I went on and completed it. I should side note prior to moving to Tennessee, I had contemplated finishing the two classes at LMC to finish off my associates, but didn’t. This email I got from the Tennessee Community college informed me I was eligible for a scholarship because I was an independent, with no degree. God stop! What?! Another friend asked me “Is this proof enough” As much as I wanted to say no, I knew the answer was yes. Really God? Really?

A few weeks later, God had kept impressing upon me the name of this woman- Kelly. I met her at Chrysalis (spiritual weekend), when I was in high school. We served together, her a table leader, me an assistant table leader and then again we served together in the prayer room for the entire weekend. I argued back and forth with God, again telling Him he was nuts! I can’t remember how Kelly and I lost touch but it was around the time I got married! Long time ago. I even googled to make sure she hadn’t unexpectedly died or something. She is older than me 🙂 But I finally relented and began to write this letter

“Dear Kelly,

God keeps placing you on my mind and I am not even sure why or if you will even remember me….”

I went on to tell her what a true blessing she has been in my life and in so many remarkable ways she was the founding block of teaching me how to pray. Others may have deepened this in my life, but she was part of setting the foundation pieces.

In my letter, I included my email and phone- for quicker response time. Over a week had passed and nothing- On Monday morning, I chatted with God- and perhaps had a little attitude about how He had me write this letter and I got no response- like why on Earth did you have me send this?? That afternoon, I went to get the mail and I pulled out all the junk mail, and out fell this card- I immediately recognized the handwriting- Kelly always had beautiful handwriting. She sent me a card! Really God? Kelly wrote some beautiful words that I carried in my car for the week. She stated what a blessing it was to receive my letter and its no coincidence of the arrival of the letter because it matched her morning devotion message on “blessings”. She of course included the printed devotion for me in the card. Yes, I needed that proof. Standing on the steps of my front porch, I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry because God pretty much confirmed He is in control and I am not even when I try to add my own touch of phone and email- God had another plan. Kelly’s final words were: “Thank-you for following the nudge of the Holy Spirit, keep it up”

Have I picked up the book that I was reading? No, but I plan too. I picked up another copy of it to send to a friend. I found it at a used book store. A woman named “Ann” wrote on the inside cover to her friend “Teresa” about how life changing the book was, adding how remarkable chapter 8 was- which I haven’t read yet. I just wonder how many more times I will set it back down because I don’t like what God is saying to me in it.

I have read other books by this same author, where he says “God is predictably unpredictable…Much like a wild goose, the Holy Spirit cannot be tracked or tamed…the promptings of the Holy Spirit can sometimes seem pretty pointless, but rest assured, God is working His plan. And if you chase the Wild Goose, He will take you places you never could have imagine going by paths you never knew existed. ” ~Mark Batterson But I will choose to chase the Wild Goose, to chase the Holy Spirit another day and go for another adventure.

Psalm 34:8 “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.”

God is good- all the time. All the time- God is good. Where is God’s goodness when the life around me is falling down. Where is the goodness when I feel I am being swallowed up by the world? Where is God when I am drowning and I can’t quite seem to find the life jacket? Can I still say God is good, when life doesn’t make sense? Can I still say God is good when a child dies? Can I still say God is good when my heart is crying on the inside from so much hurt? Can I still say God is good?

I  have been struct by this word “good” for many years. I thought it was an interesting word to use at the beginning of creation. I mean why not use some other word like amazing, beautiful, awesome, wonderful or I don’t know, I am sure there are a slew of other descriptive words to describe what God did to a formless world, plain, dull looking earth that contained no life, no color, no beauty. I have learned many things that so much of the Bible points back to a few base themes. Such as creation, fall, redemption , and reconciliation. Genesis the beginning.  

Genesis begins with 1^st establishing that God was in the beginning. This point was reiterated in John 1. “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was God and the Word is God. He was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made, without him nothing was made that has been made” Genesis 1 then continues on from this point. Creation story. 6 times in chapter 1 of Genesis God says “it was good”. The 7^th time in chapter 1 God says “it was very good” and amazingly it was at the creation of man and woman. God was very pleased with this creation. God created man in His image and I suppose it was why He was very pleased with this creation. It is also the creation that would mock him, turn against him, ridicule Him, and accuse him of not being good. The concept of God being good is the core of my foundation of faith.  God was establishing it all in the beginning. He is a good God even when life doesn’t make sense. Therefore, at the beginning of my faith I have to know, I have to understand that God is good. Good to the world is the idea of God orchestrating things in my life the way I want them and that will make me happy.  This idea of good reminds me of how some people view the Bible. the Bible in many ways can be viewed as a personal self help book. A book that allows me to pick and choose the verses that I want to apply to my life, or I want to use to justify my life or maybe a verse that will make me happy. I think many people have this view because they truly think of the Bible as a book written for them and about them. BUT. the Bible was written for a group of people before it was written for you and it was written about God, not you. 

Remember the story of Joseph. His bothers sold him into slavery and he really was thought of as dead, gone, forgotten. But he didn’t die, and his life was hard. Accused of trying to take advantage of Potiphar’s wife, he was in prisoned even though he was innocent of any such crime. Yet, slowly his life began to unravel and there before him stood his brothers who tossed him to the wolves and left him for dead.  Joseph, knew something I often forget. It was good for him to be persecuted, for him to have to cling to the only thing that he could cling to -God. God almighty. God the Father. He is a good good father. How often we look at our circumstances, our past, or our predicaments and say where can there be any good in this- how could this be good. I think of my past and list out the time line of my life and sulk or sit in those moments and say “this was good”? But wait. Jesus sacrificed on a cross for me. Jesus lived a sinless life. Jesus loved me just as I am. Jesus says to me every morning that I am enough, that I am loved, that I am wanted. So in those still, silent moments as I am before him, I can know if I all that I have been blessed with his my security in Him, who saved me that is all I need. His goodness to me is not based on how big my house is,  how much money is in my bank account, how successful my kids appear to the world, or even how unsuccessful I may seem to those glaring into my life. His goodness is not based on how strong or weak my faith is. His goodness is not poured out in doses dependent on my trust or knowledge of the Bible. Jesus gave me salvation. Jesus sits on the steps of my soul. Jesus secures me in His palm, never can I be plucked from it. Salvation is my blessing. Salvation says God is good. And this is where I must sit, sometimes longer than I like to in order that I find contentment in God, to have satisfaction in God. I have to stay and rest my mind, heart and soul in the still, quiet moments as Jesus and I sit on these steps. 

You know, Joseph, didn’t have the Bible, but he knew God. So much is often talked about the patriarchs not seeing the blessings promised to them. Yet, I think Joseph understood something about God that often gets overlooked. Joseph, he knew God was good. Joseph couldn’t see the goodness, the reason, the process or understand the why’s of being rejected by his brothers, the accusations of Potiphar’s wife, which landed him in prison. And can you imagine for a moment of landing yourself in this situation- hitting rock bottom and thinking- how did I get here, why am I here God, what good could possibly come from this place. I am sure even though Joseph knew God, trusted God he had those moments where he would wonder will I see the good in all this. We all have our rock bottom, or the valley in which we find ourselves sinking into. Sometimes its a result of our own fault sometimes its not. We can be rejected by family, friends, we can lose a loved one, we can blurt something out without filtering it first. I do this a lot! We can allow the trap of our past to catch us and bring us down, down down. I can allow the pain of feeling alone, isolated, broken, and just separated from what my heart needs or craves. And this is all why Jesus and I sit together for long periods of time. Later, in the story we see Joseph overcome with emotion. There are many reasons for this. But Genesis chapter 45 plays out with Joseph weeping because the goodness of God is being revealed. Joseph is getting a personal view of God’s hand, provision, love, and goodness. And while the past may have left him at times feeling empty, questioning, rejected, and lonely. Joseph got to see how good God is. How good the Father’s love for him can be displayed. 

 Fast forward to Romans 8. I started to memorize these chapters a couple years ago at the advice an old friend. Vs 28 in particular uses that word “good” again. All things work for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes. I actually memorized this verse back in middle school. The youth pastor use to write it in almost every letter, card he ever wrote to me. I came to the point that I would eye roll when I saw it. But now some 20 years later, whenever I see Romans 8:28, it is a sweet reminder of his and his family’s impact only life. James 1:12 says something similar. This verse doesn’t use the word good, but love. “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because having stood the test that person will received the crown of life given to those who love him.” Earlier in James I had learned God doesn’t tempt us, but we face trials.  Temptation occurs because of the battle of our flesh and the spirit inside of us. Temptation is waging its war, which is a result of the Garden. As we see in Romans 8 there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus…Paul didn’t say no conflict or no conviction, but no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. James 1:2 says the something similar “whenever” you face trials of many kinds… James doesn’t say “if” it says when. 

What I know, is I will walk through a thorny, narrow, rocky, slightly paved, slightly pebbled pathway with many pit stops, rusted benches, dead ends, u-turns, detours, collapsed bridges that need fixing, yet if my gaze is fixed on the one who was, is and will be good always, my soul will be well. No person that I can touch, feel, embrace or hear can sit on the steps of my soul and cradle the cracked, worn out, beaten down, parts of me. The parts that need peace. The parts that need the healing hand of God. The parts of me that have created me into this being, or have marked me. While, my innermost parts may want that tangible being to hold me ,to keep me intact, my exterior fights it off to never be that vulnerable. Yet, with God there is no hiding deep into my insides. With God there is no running behind the barriers in which I put up, not allowing those human tangible beings to touch because I might crack. With God, its just us. It’s just God and me, sitting there. 

In Genesis. In the beginning, I learned at the deep level that God is good. What God created was good. And within that goodness, within that Garden that he perfectly created comes a fall, destruction, sin, sadness, redemption, and reconciliation. And I like to think that as God and I sit. We are sitting in His perfect Garden, where He is growing something beautiful out of the ugly of my life and it is good. Growing something beautiful out of the ugly is a phrase I have heard from, I hate to use the word “wise” but wise old men and women in my life. I may not like to admit it, but that’s just me. I often don’t like to hear what people tell me, but I do file it away until… well until I have to admit internally those old women (mother’s) and men (father’s) in my life were right. One day perhaps, I will tell them they were right, but today I will sit in this moment of how good God is, has been and will be to me. Even in the depths of the sorrow that has struck my life, I lift my gaze to the one who is good. God is good-all the time. All the time- God is good.

Abide. My word for the year. Every year God chooses a word for me. Most years I argue with God as to what my word should be. I ask for confirmation after confirmation. This year was no different. It just came in a bolder way. I went to church on the first Sunday morning of the new year and as I sat in my seat watching the screen change from announcement to announcement, it appeared. The word ABIDE, was on the screen. It was big, and obvious to me. Even though, it was obvious, I sat there shocked. I even leaned over to my daughter and asked “Did the screen just have the word ABIDE on it?” And she replied “yes” Still not convinced, I watched intently as each screen changed and there it was again “ABIDE” I suppose it is my word after all.

I have read John 15 more times that I would admit to, but the version I have read does not have the word abide, so it hasn’t been in my vocabulary. So this is what I discovered about my word.

To stay connected to Jesus through things like prayer and Bible reading. Jesus says “I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit” John 15:5

To abide, is to await, to dwell, remain lodged, and to bear patiently. Abiding, connecting- a life giving connection. John 15 describes that the branch is dependent on the vine. To abide, I must keep trusting, keep depending, never stop believing and persevere forward. John 8:31-32 “If you abide in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth and truth will set you free”

To abide in his love and his word. John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. ” John 15:7 “If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you”

I am to abide in obedience, in the sitting, in the waiting, and in the sifting of His word. I am to dwell in the “I don’t know”, of which I far too often find myself dwelling in. I am to abide in the stretching of my heart. I am to abide as we sit on the steps of my soul. I am to abide in His love. Within this abiding, I am fixing my gaze upon the one who can quench my thirst, dry my tears, and embrace me all the time. I have to abide here until Jesus is enough. Until Jesus is enough. My whole life has been this. This journey to finding that Jesus is enough. I think I have had these seasons that I just want the flesh of abiding in love. I would just crave that feeling of what abiding in love could truly feel like, but in the end I would still feel this emptiness. I would feel this vacant hole because I can’t replace Jesus’ love into the arms of a person. I had to let go of my desire to want love from people, to a love for Jesus. To a place, where all I desire, all I want is Jesus. A place where I sit on my knees and lay the emptiness before Him.

So this year I am to abide, to sit intently, to wait patiently, and immerse myself into that which my heart craves- Jesus. To be present. To embrace that Jesus is right here, right now, He is in me, and I am simply not left by myself. Even when my gaze sneaks peaks at the polluted world in which I live, and Satan tries to entice me to believe I am not loved, God does not love me, or that I can never display love- I will have the focus of abiding in His love. Oh, the hope that I can embrace the idea of abiding in God’s love. That I can love in a way I haven’t been able to for so many years.

Abide. Remain. Linger. Jesus contents me. Jesus satisfies me. Jesus loves me.

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Foundation. The foundation of ones home to the foundation of my heart. 1 Peter tells us about Jesus being the cornerstone. The foundation- the starting point. (1 Peter 2:4-10)

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

This verse keeps coming to my mind each and everyday. I choose to stand out. I choose to be radical. I choose to be rare, to be the one whom God can trust. In choosing to be a Christian, I am choosing to stand on a solid rock foundation. I believe God’s word, His Bible is a gift to me. I believe it speaks God’s heart to me. I believe its true. I believe the more I sit in the presence of the Almighty, that the overflow of my heart will be the words that I have saturated my soul in.

God’s word hidden in my heart. I don’t memorize God’s word to appear a certain way. I memorize God’s word so that the overflow of my heart is of Him. I not only learned to memorize God’s word, but to take it in and let it penetrate deeply. To let it sit at the steps of my soul, take root, soak in and seep from the inside out.

Taste and see that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8) Bathe myself in God’s presence, saturate my mind in His word. My thirst is quenched when I dwell my soul within its words. I will not reach perfection but I can reach consistently. I have been set aside by the Lord. Just like the woman at the well, who had led a tumultuous life, she found herself at the well, with her old bucket filling it again with the water that wouldn’t quench her soul- she encountered Jesus. She needed a drink from Jesus. She needed to know when her well is dry, drawing from Jesus, is the only one who can fill it. Man cannot, substituting something for Jesus won’t, the idols we put before him can’t, the things we buy to satisfy-can’t, money, or consuming our minds with everything but Jesus, will never fill or satisfy our dry to the bone buckets. We need to meet Jesus at the well.

The foundation of my heart is God. The foundation of our home is God. The last several weeks, we decided we needed to tear up the carpet and flooring in the main level of our home. We live on a slab. While in prayer one morning, God gave me this sweet idea of writing His word on the slab, the foundation of our home. I knew my girls, might think I was a little extreme, but it has purposed some great discussions. We have had great fun in writing God’s word all over the floor available and I have imagined what verses I could put in different places. Like the place where I kneel before God every morning, or at the door entrance to our home, or even the hallway. Sure those words will get covered by new flooring, but it’s like a friend of mine said “I stand all over the word of God, the B-I-B-L-E” It’s how her daughter use to sing the song. Yes! I stand all over God’s word. Yes, I am saturating this place in God’s word. This, God’s word, is how I fight my battles.

God not only meets me where I am at on this journey, but he has committed himself to the long term process of personal heart transformation. He isn’t satisfied in just a restored relationship with me and He shouldn’t be. God desires love for me in my worst, plant seeds inside of me, refines the thorns that protrude-and there are a lot of them. He lifts the burdens, so that my heart, mind and soul has a peace the world can’t grasp. He is the cornerstone of my being. I am never too far from His extended arms. He is always working on me, revealing to me even when it feels like I am waiting in the wilderness for Him to reveal the next steps. I am desperate for God. In my desperation, I find myself content, satisfied and free. I know where I belong, and whom I belong to. I am flawed, imperfect, messed up, full of mistakes, misspoken words, wrong motives, terrible words spoken, and this list could just go on, but I cling to the One, who can guard my mouth. I cling to the One who, who surrounds me.

Isaiah 58:11MSG

I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places- firm muscles, strong bones. you’ll be a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You’ll see the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of you past.