What ifs. If only.  I do think this way far too often. I can get caught up in these two ideas. I can carry them in my heart, and when I allow them to take root inside of me they begin to shape my heart. And while they are shaping my heart I begin down a path of questioning God’s goodness for me. I am convinced so much of our faith is based on this one foundational piece: Is God good?

I can live in my own claustrophobic kingdom of self, instead of believing God is good and being satisfied, thirst quenched within the magnificent kingdom of God. But that SIN, it’s constantly on the prowl. It wants to steal the joy, the contentment, it wants me to write the rules, pave the paths, lead the charge. It wants me to think that what it offers is more pleasurable, more inviting, and more comfortable. It wants me to believe a good God, wouldn’t have left me the edge of despair, on the cliff of no return, or in the wilderness of wandering, sorting out life.

If only, I had an earthly father, whom I would have known and been treasured by, loved by, accepted by. A father, who would have embraced me, and tailored my independence in a manner in which would have left me knowing above all else, that he loves me. If only, I would have not had the dream of my life ripped away- playing soccer in college. Which has left me with no college education, and the inability to get a satisfying job that would give me purpose. If only, when our family began, my heart wouldn’t have been shattered and stepped on and scattered at the death of the most miraculous part- giving life to another. The scattered shivers of that day, are permanently sitting just beneath the surface of my exterior. I can think of so many what-ifs with his short yet miraculous life. If only, I had a mom. A mom who loved me unconditionally. If only, my saint of a husband, wouldn’t have had to endure the roller coaster of my being. Nearly, 20 years together, the man has walked along side me, sometimes behind me because the volcano inside of me would be brewing and his perfect upbringing couldn’t always comprehend what I had walked through and how I had carried it through all these years. If only I could be normal. If only.

What if, I had that degree. It would make others proud of me. What if I had a father. I didn’t have a real one, like the others- I had many, but none I could call me own. None that I could really take myself to broken and wounded. What if I had 4 kids, but I did have 4.   I just have 1 that I don’t always mention because I am afraid of what the world will say. What if I was emotionally stable. Stable enough to have withstand better the trials of life. What if I had that mom, who fought for me, wanted me and was proud of me- I had many but again none my own.

It’s a battle. A constant fight raging, brewing inside of me. The battle of a good, good God and a deceptive, seductive enemy that wants to torment my insides.

Romans 8:28 “For all things work for the GOOD of those, who love him and are called according to his purposes.”

Colossians 3:2 “set your minds on things above, not on earthly things”

1 Timothy 6:17 “Command those who are rich in this present world not be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is uncertain, but to put our hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment”

So when those days come and they do, where the weakened part of me sinks, below the surface drowning in the waters that have surrounded me all my life. Or  I have reached the point where I am suffocating in that claustrophobic kingdom of self, all I have to do is  look up, speak up, and reach out to the One, who is good. The One who, has walked before me, for all those what ifs, and if only’s to disappear from within me. The One who is always refining me, freeing me, rescuing that little girl. That girl who is always clinging to the word. I have been asked how I know so much memorized scriptures… Well, it’s a blessing and a curse. But when I reflect on my life, the light shines brightly. It was known since the beginning that I would need those words to flood, circulate, penetrate deeply, and constantly drown me in order to keep drawing me into the presence of Him. A curse because somedays, I don’t want to listen- you know you have all been there too! Blessed. Blessed by the word of God and His persistent pursuit of me. Blessed by His chasing after me. Blessed that even though I have faced the giants in my life, He is always providing, filling and redirecting me. He is creating in me a sturdy HOPE for a God that is oh so good to me.