My jar

In this jar is everything about me. The things that I hold onto, the things that define me, the things that hold me back, and the things that I can’t let go of. I have these things, these messages in a mason jar full of me. Some of the things listed are my regrets, my misfortunes, or missed opportunities. Some are the places in which I lack forgiveness for another. While still others are the very things that hold me back from being me, or hold me back from being free. I keep it secure and safe inside of this jar because its too much to release, but the time has come… come for me to let go. For me to be broken before you God. Broken and poured out like oil. Read that again poured out like oil on your feet. Pouring out our devotion to Him broken and in a place of vulnerability. A place that only God can use us. Jesus chose to be broken for me. Jesus chose to be broken so that I can be free. Free from this jar. Matthew 26 tells of an account of a woman with her expensive alabaster jar of  perfume, which she used to pour out on to Jesus. She took the one thing she had and simply poured it out onto Him. She was accused of being indignant, but to Jesus it was something beautiful. She was a broken woman, willing to pour out all that she had for Jesus. And this is us. This is what we should be. This is what Jesus wants. He wants us to come to him just as we are. Broken, but willing to be poured out for Him. In order for me to be poured out for Jesus, I have to let go of my jar. I have to go to the deep place of my soul, where nobody goes and pour out my jar to Jesus. And its hard. I have held onto this jar for far too long. It’s almost like I play tug o war with my jar and with Jesus. “Yes, you can have it, no you can’t have it. ” I have to get real. I have to get raw. I have to go where I don’t want to go. I have to go deep, get vulnerable and let me soul find rest in the Father’s arms. And I have to accept that when I let it go and pour my broken self out at Jesus’ feet, He will heal the shattered particles of my insides. He will take this ordinary, broken, and thought as unusable girl to make something out of the ashes of my life.

My ashes

My ashes. God can use my ashes. God can take the ashes of my failures and turn them into something beautiful. These are the ashes of my past. This jar also holds the ashes of letters written to me that were filled with hurtful words to me from someone who was suppose to love me. The letters crushed my spirit, I regretfully memorized the words. I held onto these hurtful letters for 20 years. I couldn’t bring myself to burn them, although told a few times that I should. But I finally did. I finally burned those letters, but I didn’t give it God. These are the ashes of my jar. Ashes for the words written. I kept the ashes of me because they sit in a place that I pass everyday.  I sometimes sit and stare at them, mesmerized that I finally created ashes from the pieces of paper that I allowed to define me. I have kept these ashes to remind me that I am free from the bondage of those words. One day, I sat in the presence of the Father and released the pain. This is the bondage that has held me captive for far too long. It’s within this bondage that I entertained Satan daily, with his constant reminders of the memorized words in my head. I was trapped. I was locked up, unable to free myself. I couldn’t believe the words of another person, who would try to encourage me of my value, or how God saw me. I had lost my gaze on the One who had brought me through life. Lost my focus on the One who is the Father I needed, the Savior my heart sought, and the  lover of my soul. I got catapulted into a vicious cycle of drowning within my self doubt and relying on myself. I listened to the lies, and the lies consumed me. Within those lies, I tried to justify its truth based on my brokenness. Within those lies, the ones who loved me kept after me, fighting to change the stubborn mind of my thinking. I was all but lost until the day. The day, I sat on the shore of the beach ready for God to take me from this life. Ready to give in and give up. I hit a breaking point with God. I hit a point, where my life was meaningless. I had flashes of conversations on the shore with God, Him reminding me of the small break throughs of the years past. I laid my body on the sand and I encountered God. An encounter I can never fully put into words to describe the moment, but it was my burning bush moment, my well moment, my moment with the Almighty God who reached down and plucked me from the deep waters that was ready to consume me and said “not yet, I am not finished with you” There are very few times in my life that I can say I have felt that hand of God upon me, but this was one of them.

God will turn my ashes into something beautiful. I may not know how, when, or to what extent, but I know that I am loved, wanted and valued by a Father, who always has my best interest in mind. A Father who will take me as I am shattered, distraught, and on the edge of a break down in order for me to stand firm on the rock foundation of my faith. The foundation of my faith that cannot be shaken. God chose me. God delights in me.

Isaiah 61:3  “He will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead ashes, the oil of joy, instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”