Self Talk: no one is more influential in your life more than yourself. Why? Because no one talks to you more than you talk to yourself. Let that sit there for a moment. I recently heard a statement like that and pondered the thought. Self talk. I talk to God, but do I talk to myself? Yes, I do. I may even talk to myself more than I talk to God, and then I try to say, well I was talking to God, not myself.

When I was young I had a person in my life start me on a journey of scripture memorization and as I grew it became more and more of a passion of mine to memorize God’s word. I was on a journey of reading and discovering God’s word. On this journey what I discovered at first was knowledge, but what I ultimately found was God. I found the God of the Bible. The memorized verses became my self talk. I had the verse in Jeremiah reminding me despite my current circumstances that often left me feeling like I was drowning, that the God of the universe had a plan and a purpose for my life. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I had my filter verse. The choices, or decisions I made needed to be filtered through is it true, is it admirable, is it noble, or is it excellent. (phillipians 4:8) I had God’s word reminding me not to be anxious. Don’t anticipate life, participate in life. Pray about everything. Allow God’s peace to fill every part of me. (phillipians 4:6-7) I had Romans 12:1-2 reminding me not to confirm to this broken world, but to be transformed. To be renewed. The book of Isaiah told me to put my hope in the Lord, who will renew my strength and I will sore on wings like eagles. God will not grow tired, but I in my humanness will grow tired and weak. The Psalms are filled with words that can uplift our spirits. The righteous call out to God, and wait for it- God hears them! God will deliver them. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (psalm 34:17-18) God delivers. Sometimes our deliverance isn’t instantaneous. Sometimes, we have to sift through the garbage around us, sometimes we have to wait, have patience. God meets us where we are in life. God meets us and loves us. Psalms 23 tells us surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life.

And then one day, the God self talk stopped. One day it suddenly stopped! No, it slowly, ever so slowly began to wither away from my mind, from my heart, and from my being. The words of Romans 12:1-2 rang clear, do not conform to the patterns of this world, yet somewhere along the way, the messages of the past, messages of the present, the messages from the church weren’t the messages of a God self talk. I had withered away. I had allowed the desolation of life to become just that – desolate. The brokenness of the past was slithering its way into me, taking root, and pushing to the surface. I had this little string like faith connection to God. The once strong strand that connected me to God, had deteriorated, to a little thin string.  My self talk was filled with unworthiness, the inability to be loved, to make people proud, to be accepted , to be anything but a failure or disappointment. This spiraling out of control self talk eventually became compiled with so many other facets of life’s spinning circles around me. Spinning so violently that I was left dizzy, nauseated, and migrained filled.

My days were roller coasters. One day, I would think these people could love me and then the next day, I would say they can’t possibly love me. I would go back and forth. And because I couldn’t compute what they truly were to me I withdrew myself. I withdrew because it was too hard for me to figure out who I was to them. What I learned is that I needed to discover who I was without them. I need them. I truly believe I do need them, but they can’t be what I need them to be- it’s impossible. I was in this valley. And my one true hope for digging my way out of this valley was God. The one constant I had, was God never let me go. He allowed me to fall into this valley of despair, but He didn’t leave me there alone. I withdrew. It’s all I know what to do. When I get locked into a place of not knowing where I belong I withdraw. These people had filled my mind with all the promises of God. God is Sovereign, God loves me, God is faithful, and He is the same God yesterday, today and tomorrow. They pointed out that I couldn’t pick and choose what I wanted to believe about God. And they were right in ways, I am not sure I will ever fully own up to… but my heart still hurt for what it couldn’t seem to grasp. The fact was I know the Bible. Those memorized words are deeply planted into my mind. The ones that I learned as a young, young believer. I had become afraid to believe them again. What would it mean for me to believe that God loves me despite the fact I am broken, parentless , unwanted by a family, and everyday wake up to the same face in the mirror that reminds me of the scars I carry with me. It’s not just the scars, it’s the part of me who can’t let go of my past. I can’t let go of my imperfections. It’s the part if me that struggles to win approval, to be accepted or to be just me. I assume everyone sees what I see in the mirror every morning and the visual of myself is not a woman who God can use. And in the mirror is a woman with a self talk that doesn’t honor God.

God has placed me in this moment. He has placed me on this journey of rediscovery. Rediscovery of the power of His words, which spoke to me as a young girl. A young girl, who wanted a dad to hug her and tell her that she could make it, a mom to affirm her that what she dreamed in life was possible. But instead I became the girl, who can’t hug, and needs way too much affirmation because so much negativity is filled into that head of hers. So, as I have sulked in these moments, God has revealed His great love for me. Lamentations 3:22 reminds me of the Lord’s great love for us, the darkness will not consume me. God’s compassion never fails, his mercies are new every morning. For great is thy faithfulness. God is Sovereign, He is never helpless, never frustrated, never at a loss. Security is found within His Sovereign presence.

Even though, God is never surprised by anything, I imagine. I imagine God has been saying to me “come home, come home” I may have been lost in the shuffle of finding my way home to Him. The seed planted in my heart, the words so firmly pressed down into the depths of my being is beginning to take another root. God not only meets my greatest need, He is committed to the long-term process. He will not be satisfied until I am fully restored. God is working, but not to give me a predictable, comfortable or pleasurable life. He is working to transform my heart through my circumstances. He is working to transform me and it doesn’t mean restoration, it doesn’t mean I will have the parents my heart wants, it doesn’t mean I will be instantly healed from the trauma, or the deficiencies I see everyday I look in the mirror. It means that God will fill those holes in my heart. It means that my self talk will become “the one Jesus loves” John 13:23. Or John 15: Remain in me and I will remain in you. And I will cling to Psalm 139:16 God’s eyes saw my unformed body, all my days were ordained and written in His book, nothing can happen to me outside the will of God. And so my self talk will press forward and find freedom in the word of God.