Somedays, I stand on the edge of the balcony of a parking garage, just looking out there. I can see the river flowing calmly into what will become Lake Michigan. I look out, I look down and I see the flashes. The mind can be a terrible place to stay locked into for too long. I can look down at what lies beneath my feet, but deep inside of the mind of the eyes that look down is a heavily burdened heart. I stand there for moments, collecting my fighting spirit, in order to find the courage to step back and walk to my car. A troubled mind, many think they can understand, but the normal person, as loving as they may be cannot step into the mind of a broken, trapped, or wounded mind. This mind fights itself, it gives up, gives in, it falls fast, and it gets lost in the thralls of everyday life. The mind needs to escape. The mind needs to find its safe place. Sometimes, it can’t find the safe place. Each place the mind finds becomes another fighting ground with flashes, memories, lost opportunities, or messages that penetrate deep into the heart afflicting it with agony. The mind cannot find rest. The madness of the  mind can strike with the slightest trigger. The trigger ignites a downward spiral. The anxiety of the moment gradually increases with each step. With each step all I can do is hold on, hang tight and be strong. The roller coaster of the emotions that are raging at war within me. A heavily burdened heart and mind, seek to be free from the weights that hold them down. Yet, the release of the pain is exposure. The light exposes our deepest parts. And for me those parts of my mind they are dark, agonizing, and when I enter those times, there is no rest.

So in the moments where I cannot find rest, I run. Each step of my foot is a release. A release of the tension, a release of the broken pain inside, or a release of what I am not.

What do I want… What do I need. I want a moment in time when I am more than I thought I could ever be. I want one moment in time where my dreams are reachable. I want one moment in time where the deepest parts of me didn’t infect my mind to the extent at which it does. A moment in time where I will be free. Free from the distractions, free from the judgement and free from the weight that holds me down so tightly. So that I will be free from it all. I want a moment where I can believe I am a survivor, believe I am of worth something, and a moment where I will not stutter with saying the words “I love you” as if saying them will cause me an inescapable harm. A moment where those words will roll off my tongue as natural as waking up every morning.

Instead I am left with the hesitation, stuttering, or lost moments because I can’t muster the strength to say what the heart feels and longs to embrace. Instead, my mind, heart and soul stay confined, trapped, and held captive staring out into the river that flows below me. A river that flows and appears to have the power to wash away the stricken mind. But the river doesn’t have the power to save me, it truly has no power. So I look down, and then I look up because sometimes we must look up. Look up, open my fisted palms, and walk away. One foot in front of the other and I hope for a moment. A moment when the mind can rest from the demons that can run wild inside of it. One day, I will be healed from my minds trauma, but until that day, it is the cross I must bare, the thorn I must wrestle with until that day comes.