10.13.18, it marks year 17. 17 years with the same man. 17 years with this boy that I met at Cracker Barrel 19 years ago. I often think back to that moment when we met. I think of how drastically I wanted someone to rescue me from the life I was in. How much I wanted stability, to be loved, to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and even things I couldn’t quite articulate that I needed. I had no idea of what a marriage was to look like. I had fears that I didn’t even know I had. I had misguided ideas of what life would truly be like once I was married. But what I had and what I brought with me into marriage was a backpack of heart ache. I brought with me my past, my inability to love without cause, an empty heart, a protected heart, low self confidence, insecurity, and my list could keep going on and on. I brought with me a loaded backpack full of so many different issues only time would reveal the unveiling of my backpack. Each year we have been married has revealed another peeling back of me. Somedays, as I reflect back I do wonder how we ever got through the first 5 years.

October 2001, married. February 2002, Jonah Matthew arrived a month early. We are parents! Whoah! August 2002, we discovered we were pregnant again- WHAT?! May 2003, Cameron Charles born. June 2003 Cameron died. So now in the chapel where we walked down the isle and devoted ourselves to one another in sickness and health, we stood again in front of people, a much bigger crowd then our wedding day, might I add… But now we stood there, tears held deep inside as I stood next to the casket that bore our 2nd born son. December 2003, I discovered I was pregnant again. August 2004, Peighton Lynn entered our lives. A girl, our family was complete. 2005, offered me discontentment, I couldn’t make sense of my life. I still had this aching part of me because Cameron was gone and I felt incomplete… still do. We entered 2006, and I just became okay with these two kids, and what? I am pregnant, we really should figure out how this happens! I had to break the news to Matt , we were having another baby! October 2006, Ellery Joy entered the world. She mixed up her holidays. Due Thanksgiving day and arrived before Halloween. In 5 years, we had gotten married, had a baby, buried a child, and had 2 more kids! What outsiders looking in see, is we have very well spaced out kids. What I see is, I have a piece of me missing always and forever. Each year that pushed forward after Cameron died, I stuffed because I had to be something to so many and its still what I do today. I stuff because if I don’t I can’t be what I need to be for everyone around me.

But here we are 17 years into this marriage that started with massive chaos! We have a marriage, I am sure many were skeptical we could maintain. I think there are days I am not sure how we have made it this far. I can’t say  “I love you” to you everyday, like my Dad, like man in my life tells me I should. I can’t hug, I can’t break down the barriers that still keep me from being free from the chains that hold me back from freedom. Yet, you are still there despite my inability to be free. I am chained to the reality of my imperfections, inabilities, and my constant battle of my mind that fills me with discontentment and unworthiness.  I battle everyday, to be me because everyday I battle how I am I suppose to be for everyone around me. Yet, despite my internal battle that no one sees, but you… you have embraced it. You have stood by as each year I process a new battle that rages inside of me or I have to revisit a battle that I haven’t fully overcome. I know that my battle will never be free until, this earthly body is no longer walking on this ground. So this year marks the 17th year of our marriage, the 17th year of our adventure. An adventure that even though there are days, I don’t like you. There is no one I would rather have on this adventure with me than you.