Yesterday, May 30th, I picked Jonah up from school to take him to an appointment. As I watched him exit the High School building, I was overwhelmed with the thought of how old this little boy has become and also reminded of where we were together just 15 short years ago. In so many ways, time has stood still for me, all while time still passing day after day, month after month and now years have just gone by. Years have gone by while I have stood at the front gate waiting for time to go back so I can have those moments back. 15 years ago, I was 37 weeks pregnant and Jonah was with me while we attended an appointment for me. I had this rambunctious, curious, active, and talkative boy with me as I entered into a room that would soon lead me in the next 24 hours to such a drastic change in my life. I sat down, wrestled to get Jonah content with a toy in preparation for the midwife. In walked one of my favorite midwives. We made the usual small chat and then I reached out and grabbed her hand and told her this: ” I specifically made this appointment with you because I trust you. I have walked in these doors before and tried to explain the situation, but no one seems to get it. Something is wrong with this baby. I don’t know what, but something just isn’t right and I need you to figure it out.” I didn’t know how else to tell her that this growing concern, I had throughout this pregnancy was hitting a head with me. She did a test that revealed the baby only moved with a contraction and she told me I needed to head to the hospital for a BPP. I grabbed Jonah and off we went. I had the BPP test and was in a labor room for monitoring. I remember the exact nurse who came in… Beth. Beth, had been my nurse on numerous occasions when I had been up there for hyperemesis. I had gotten to know her and she had gotten to know me. She walked in and calmly told me I had nothing to worry about the baby had passed the BPP test, with the exception of his tone, but it was nothing to be alarmed by. I left that day replaying her message in my head, trying to find the confidence in her words.

Jonah, 14 months old, he was the boy, the child that made me a mom. He made me a mom before I knew I wanted to be one, before I knew if I could be one. Jonah was this unplanned being that just happened. And when Jonah entered our world, our lives changed forever. We had no clue what we were in for when he arrived 4 weeks early. Although, Matt still talks about how he came at just the right time because he was due in the middle of March Madness. Jonah, made me a mom. Jonah, taught me, that I had the ability to love another with my whole heart. He taught me patience, he taught me to love, he taught me that I could be a mom. And now on that day 15 years ago, we left the hospital and awaited for the new sibling that would make him a big brother.

The next day, I went into labor. I called my good friend, who was on-call to watch Jonah and she came and got him. The labor pains had been more painful than Jonah’s, but I replayed Beth’s message in my head and tried to just believe. With Jonah all set, we headed  to the hospital and prepared for the birth of this unknown child. We had no clue what we were having. Time passed and I progressed and at the moment when the doctor went to break  my water, Matt had stepped out for a moment. All I can remember in that moment was the face of the doctor. It was a face of shock, or maybe uncertainty. I had no water to break. And not long after that, our precious baby boy was born. A perfect 7 pound baby boy.

The next 48 hours and beyond was going to test what I believed about God, what I trusted, and where my faith truly rested. And I wish I could say my faith never faltered, but there were definitely days, I would sit and question it all. But first, in those instant moments, I looked at this boy, that I was confident was going to be a girl. Matt and I looked at each other because we had absolutely no boy names. Each minute that passed, we felt the tension and pressing issues before us. This little boy’s life was in danger. After, a little bit of time, we were told the Bronson staff was here to talk to us. When they walked in, we were told the care needed for him was to critical for them to care for and that they would be transporting him to DeVos Children’s hospital. Only Matt could accompany him. Matt and I went to the nursery before he was going to be transported. It was there in that nursery, we gave this nameless little boy a name. Cameron Charles Cox. No certain reason for the name Cameron, other than we could agree on it. His middle name Charles, holds a special place to me, with it being the name of my Uncle, my dad’s brother. Uncle Chuck, as we call him. He, is my favorite uncle mostly because he reminds me of my dad. I could just sit in a room and look at my Uncle Chuck because it felt like I was looking at my dad. And for me having so few memories of my dad, I knew it was the closest I was going to get to looking into the eyes of my father, So we gave Cameron his name. And there in that small nursery Cameron Charles Cox lay and I was helpless to save him.

Matt left the hospital to follow Cameron, while I stayed behind. I was left alone. Alone in a room by myself . Jonah cared for by a dear friend to me. A friend whom, my heart owes so much too. But I was left in a hospital room so unsure of anything. I am not sure if I could every truly articulate those moments into words of feeling the life sucking out of my body in the silent moments of that nights stay. What I do know is at Lakeland Hospital, where I had all of my kids, I was surrounded by the most precious group of nurses who so often didn’t have the words to speak to me, but protected my heart and loved me by their unsaid words more often than they would probably know.

The next morning, I asked to be released. Less than 24 hours after his delivery. I was met in my hospital room, by the smiling face of Jonah. Jonah gave me life in the deepest parts of my heart, where I wasn’t sure if I was to smile or cry. He gave me joy. We all made the venture up to Grand Rapids to see Cameron.

Matt met me and told me the doctor was wanting to meet with us. I made it to DeVos children’s hospital in time for this doctor to kneel down and make eye contact with me and break my heart. The compassion, empathy in his eyes will forever be pressed into my memory. His words sunk into my soul. Cameron has PKD, and he isn’t going to make it. Those aren’t his exact words, but they are the words that registered in my mind. He told us as time passes the most important moments will come and I , his mom need to hold him. He told me, its important. And the doctor was right holding him gave me peace. It gave me comfort.

The next 24 hours changed my life. In the 48 hours of Cameron’s life, he taught me how much my heart could hurt. I didn’t know I could love so much it hurt. He taught me that God is close to the brokenhearted. He taught me that no matter what I will carry him with me wherever life takes me. I held Cameron in my arms and prayed over his precious body, just wanting him to breathe. I wanted a miracle. I believed in miracles. But his body couldn’t fight and as his mother I was powerless to bring him life, I had to let him go. That moment when his life left Earth and entered Heaven is a moment that will forever be with me. I looked deeply at him in his final moments, trying to capture everything about him, in hopes to never forget. His soft skin, the color of his hair, the color of his eyes. The simplicity of this moment, his simple features.

The whirlwind of the last few days had come to an end. My fear of, mother’s intuition some like to call it reigned true. I truly believe God was preparing my heart. We brought Jonah in to see a brother his eyes will never remember. Jonah had two stuffed animals given to him at birth, one was a blue teddy bear and one a green frog. Jonah chose to place his blue teddy bear in Cameron’s casket. Jonah still has this green frog, that sits on his bed. I do wonder why somedays why he has kept it all this time. Maybe, just maybe it signifies something to him. What I do know is his the angel bear that DeVos gave Jonah sits on the headboard of his bed looking over him. Jonah is a great big brother to his two sisters, but I do wonder how much different Jonah would have been if he had Cameron has a little brother. He would have had a boy to bond with. That day wasn’t just my loss, but Jonah’s loss. Months and even the first couple of years Jonah would be reminded of Cameron’s loss. When Peighton came along, Jonah could be heard saying “this is my sister Peighton. I had a brother but he died” One thing Matt and I chose to do was never deny Jonah the freedom to talk about Cameron. His heart hurts just like ours.  June 2nd, 2003, Cameron died. A few days later we laid to rest our son. I was 23 years old. My life altered, shaped, torn, and broken in that moment. But it was also in those still and silent moments that I leaned in hard to find peace.

Every May 31st my body wakes at the same time, it woke that morning. Every May as the day etches closer I can feel the tension of  grief creeping inside of me. What I wouldn’t give to escape it. What I wouldn’t give to plant myself anywhere but where I am. But  Cameron taught me so much. His life short, but he taught me that God thought I was enough to be his mom. I was strong enough, and loved enough to bring him into this world and watch him change my life and grow my faith. Somedays, I just need to be  reminded of God’s unfailing love for me, and lean into God as my refuge and strength.

~Cameron Charles we will hold you in our hearts, until we can hold you in Heaven~

“But those who hope in the Lord, will renew strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint” Isaiah 40:31