This past weekend was Mother’s Day. It’s a day I should as a mother look forward to, but I don’t I dread it most of the time. I dread it much like I dread Father’s Day. Social media is flooded with pictures of Mom’s and daughters. And while I love seeing those pictures its also an instant reminder of the missing part of my life. Does it mean that people shouldn’t post them- heck no. Does it mean I should guilt them about how fortunate they are to have such great mom’s- NO!  It may be a missing piece, but God is teaching me a far greater lesson. Even the great Apostle Paul during his missionary work inherited a woman, who filled a role of a mom to him.

These special days can still become a stress of a day for me. Most would never know it because I embrace it.  Push forward despite my struggle. I try and create better memories for myself. I try and empower the young and influence them to recognize their mothers. This Mother’s Day, I was found in my safe haven- a soccer field. Coaching, doing what I love. Doing what brings my heart joy. Doing life with young players. Even if the opposing coach made me want to have ear plugs because he liked the sound of his own voice.

Still, when Mother’s Day comes up it stirs within me all of what I don’t have, what is missing, and what I have tried to replace in my life. Although, I have replaced that mother figure in my heart, but I still get filled with self doubt because I am just that girl, and I am not really her daughter. She once told me that it’s like being adopted when your old enough to know what’s going on… hmm I am sure it is. I wait for the day that my mind doesn’t fill with such thoughts of who I am in her eyes. At least not the negative ones… wait for the day when I won’t question my self worth of how she might view me.

As I sit in this coffee shop , thinking why do I get so filled with all the negative thoughts of my self-worth in her eyes. Why, does it matter so much to me? Because it matters. It deeply matters to me. And somedays, I could probably say that no amount of reassurance will ever cure that deep seeded need inside of me. Why? Why, am I in such need of it.

The need spurs from an unmet need. An unmet need for the bulk of growing up. The unmet need of love and security. What was met, wasn’t a need, but rather just something pushed upon me- labels. I am the a black sheep of the family, I am too outspoken, I ruin what ever comes from me, I am full of imperfections, I am not the one she wanted to have kids, I am not the daughter she wanted… I became unloveable at some point in my youth. And when I became that in my real mother’s eyes is when it began to take root inside of me. It was from that moment on that I knew I would never come out from the shadow of this image. I was now just this object in the way. I was an obstacle that couldn’t be moved fast enough.

Sometimes I think of the negative messages that fill me as little slivers inside my heart. Slivers, I am trying to dig out because they are deeply embedded in me. Sometimes, as I am digging those slivers out and it starts to get to the surface, where it could finally be free it gets pushed back down. We all know how annoying slivers can be, that is what these negative thoughts are like for me. They have found there way deep inside of me over time. So when I think of someone filling a mom role, I think “but I am the black sheep, I am full of imperfections, I will let you down” because these are the slivers that are embedded in me.

And so as Mother’s Day approached my stress level rose. This woman, who fills the role of a mom for me so perfectly… I began to question my place on that day to her. What is normal on Mother’s Day? What do people do for their mother’s? The closer the day got the higher the range of emotions that filled me. On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I coached a soccer game, ran errands and then ended the day stopping by her house really quite unsure of myself. I stopped by with a bottle of wine and a card. Still, not positive it was the best gift choice, but it’s what I had to offer. The night ended with what for me was perhaps the greatest moment. Instead of having recited in my head how something should go, which I would do nearly every time I know I am stopping by their house because, I don’t know, I guess I think if I practice things in my head I will be able to act upon them. This time gave me no time to practice anything out and all I could was flow with it. I gave her a hug goodbye, I paused because the moment was coming, it was almost like I could feel that this was the moment I needed to overcome a fear of rejection. She said “I love you” and I didn’t say “I know” I said “I love you too”. As I walked to the door to say goodbye to Dad, knowing I couldn’t really leave him out to dry…  I said ” I love you” which was followed by an “I love you too” from him. I had never verbally said it to either of them until this moment. As I write this, it can seem so insignificant of a moment to many, but for me it was a breakthrough moment. I broke through and wasn’t rejected, but felt a sense of security and love. It filled me, even if just for a temporary moment in time, but it created a memory. A positive memory that I can reflect back upon to help me fight the battle of self worth before me.

Love.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1Corinthians 13:7-8