Today, is my dad’s birthday. My dad, would have turned 69 this year, but instead, he died at 34. He was just 34 years old. I have spent the last 35 years without my dad. As I reflect on this day, I do wonder about him. I wonder how much different I would be if I had him as a dad growing up. I wonder how he would have filled this wound inside of me. I wonder, would I have been as brave as I am? Would I have been as strong-willed as I am? Would I have been as afraid of affection as I am? Would I have called him “daddy” without cringing because it seems so weird to say that phrase associated with a dad. Would I have been a daddy’s girl, much like Peighton is to Matt? Would I have been more open to embrace a hug, and say “I love you” Would my heart not hurt so much…. If only. If only, is all I can live in because life changed shortly after his 34th birthday. What do I wish on his birthday? I wish I could remember his hugs, I wish I could remember him saying “I love you”. I wish I could remember hearing him whisper those words to me. I just wish I could remember him. All I can remember is him reading me Jonah and the whale before bed. And the next thing I remember he was ill. I watched him struggle to walk around his bed one morning. I remember when he was in the hospital and we sang “Jesus loves you” behind a curtain to his room. I remember the funeral home. I remember the cemetery.

I sometimes get angry with God for taking him from me. It’s hard for me to reconcile my loss to God’s greater plan. Yet, about 10 years prior to my dad leaving this Earth in the arms of the Father, he could have died, my dad would have been 24 then. Yet, in God’s great plan he saved his life and I am part of the result of God saving him. Just when life begins to want to overtake me and consume me, I have to remember that I was planned, I was wanted, by no one greater than the Father in Heaven, who loved me far before I ever loved Him. So that, even in the darkest of places that I may fall into I must remember that my Father in Heaven wanted me, loved me, and planned me for a purpose. I may not always like His purpose, but His ways are far better than my ways. And I must trust in His purpose.

Throughout my life, God has provided for me. From the very beginning, He put inside of me this heart that despite my circumstances and lack of parents, a heart that wanted those deep places of me filled. There are truly countless couples throughout my childhood to adulthood that were purposefully planted in my life. Some for a short period, others longer periods of time, and still others just floated in and out. Some I chose to let into the deep parts of my heart and some I let in a little bit, but I always let them love me. I always let them tell me the tough stuff. I always let them try to help heal my heart. I have always craved what having a dad and a mom would do for my heart. The craving for it seemed to get more intense and more needed the older I got. The older I got the less I could remember feeling loved, the less I could embrace a hug, the less I could cope with my past. The older I got the more I relied on self and not God. Why was that? Did I begin to lose faith or lose trust that God’s plan was good enough? I prayed as a child for God to pluck me from this life I was living and plant me somewhere safer. But that wasn’t a part of God’s plan. God’s great plan is still unfolding in my life. And I am rekindling the faith and trust in Him. Slowly, the hole in my heart is healing. This emptiness of an Earthly dad is slowly being filled because I am slowly letting it get filled. Letting it get filled with God as my Father, first.

My dad is my dad. He will always have my heart. He will always be a part of me, but I am learning what a dad can be to a girl. I am learning that I can let someone fill it for me. But I am also learning that my Father in heaven, who loved me first has orchestrated a plan and purpose far greater than I could have imagined. Even with accepting God’s plan of not having parents like everyone else, it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I am far from normal. I have fears. I have anxiety. I have insecurities that even though the void of parents is getting filled and they love me for me, accept me for me, and won’t ever reject me. I am still fearful that I won’t be enough because they really aren’t my parents. But I am trusting God. I am trusting that His purpose for their placement in my life will break down the walls of my heart. 

So on my dad’s birthday, 35 years after he passed from this world, I want him, my dad to know that you are always remembered, never forgotten. My dad is etched into my heart, as the man who captured my heart as a little girl. He’s the man who will never leave my heart, but the man I still try to make proud. I am just making room in my heart to love another dad. I think my dad would be proud to know that even though I closed myself off from letting people really in, that I am beginning to open up my vulnerable heart to love. I don’t think my dad would have wanted me to stay so closed off unable to let someone else be a dad to me. If my dad was the man, his family says he was… then he would want me to open up my heart and embrace the gift of dad and face my fears. Embrace the hug, and say what my heart feels.

Dad, I am sure Heaven is awesome! You have enjoyed it for what seems like an eternity to a little girl who just needed a dad. I can only imagine what Heaven is like. Do you get to sit and talk with Moses, Abraham, or ask the Israelites why they didn’t just trust in God’s faithfulness? I do wonder. But until my time on Earth is complete, I will persevere forward and seek God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. And I look forward to the day I get to meet you in Heaven. Happy Birthday!