Sometimes my life just doesn’t make sense. And there are obstacles all around me pushing on my soul. And my faith. I think it’s still there.  That mustard seed of faith is fighting to stay alive. The sleepless nights makes my heart feel like it’s drowning. I can’t keep the emotions inside me in place. The walls I have built around my heart are beginning to feel claustrophobic. I just need to protect my heart. I just need to keep the heart safe. If the walls come down like the walls of Jericho came down, what then? What is going to happen to me? I keep fighting back the tears. I keep fighting back the vulnerable part of me. I keep fighting the feeling of being embraced, hugged, or  loved. I keep beating myself up. I keep pushing those feelings back down. I keeping tucking it all away. I keep repeating the statement in my head- I will disappoint. I will fail. I can’t be who I wish I could be. I can’t be perfect. The struggle within me is real. I am in a battlefield of the mind. A battle that can overtake my mind.

 

Hold me Jesus because the tears just want to flow right out of me. Come be my peace. Hold me Jesus because I am weak, but I am stubborn. I am afraid, but I can’t let anyone past the thoughts that consume me.

My flesh wants to just be held, held tightly so the tears can flow out of me. But the rest of me fights it. The shame I feel inside me, consumes me. Shame put on me from the trauma. I can come into the presence of my safe place and be filled. I can be filled, loved, and I can connect. But when I leave, I fight the hug, and I can’t even whisper “I love you” back. I can’t find the vulnerability inside my soul to say it back. And then I walk out the doors of this safe place broken again because I have failed. I failed to say what my heart feels because I am afraid. I am afraid to be exposed. I am afraid that I will be rejected again. I am afraid I will lose again. But when I leave and I can’t say it I have failed yet again. I have let another opportunity slip past me. I have allowed that moment to come and go and I think if I let to many more pass by that this safe place I have begun to create will disappear. They will walk away because I am not capable of trusting them. I am not capable of letting go of the pain and letting God and them seep into the crevices of my heart to heal me. To help rewire my brain. To take the negativity that consumes my innermost thoughts of myself and rewrite the stars. I need to rewrite the patterns of my heart. I need to rewrite the messages of me.

So hold me Jesus and let your peace fill this broken being . Allow me to let you fill all the parts of me. God, I fall to my knees knowing only you can save this heart. Only you can fill this part of me. Help me to abide in you. I can hear you say to me “abide in me” I want to… I want to abide in you.

Take this thorn from my side and release my heart from the tension that consumes me. Allow me to open myself up. Push the boundaries of my soul. I want to let go and let you in. I want to trust that you haven’t left me in the wilderness alone. I want to believe you have a plan and purpose for me and that your will can be done. Help me to trust my safe place. To trust there is nothing I can do that will hinder, disrupt, or destroy that place that is causing my heart to open and expose itself. I need to break free from the bondage that holds me back, so that I can feel safe, loved, and free. And that I can hear that voice that tells me “everything will be alright” I will be alright, maybe not the same but I will be alright…