Am I enough? Am I strong enough, faithful enough, smart enough, sassy enough, good enough, pretty enough (why does that even matter to me), athletic enough, confident enough, or perfect enough. Am I really enough? Am I enough to be a mom, a daughter, Christ follower, or a wife. Most days the “ Am I enough” circulates through my head. And the answer to all those “am I enough” is NO! I am not. Too many years of hearing the words of ruining everything, being a disappointment to all, or merely working so hard to earn love, be loved, feel loved. A feeling of inadequacy fills my soul. A feeling of being damaged goods. A message that God must have made a huge mistake when He chose to create my innermost being. My safe place was a soccer field, running, or any athletic task. I have lost my safe place. I have lost the drive to feel safe and secure in what once rescued me from life. How have I lost it. I let it slowly slip away from my grasp. So now when I look at that safe place I don’t see the same girl who once dominated the safe place. I see an old, broken, deteriorating girl, who can’t fight through the pain and the messages. The messages that could never penetrate through my mind, heart and soul, it now shakes up my core and I sit in the corner of despair knowing I am a failure. Knowing I am not enough. I am just a girl who once was and that girl is forever lost into the distance. A girl who needs to find that fighting, sassy, stubborn, and determined being who let no one push her down. But the darts of words flying at me have worn me down. Are we sure God didn’t make a mistake with me? How can I know that God didn’t make a mistake? Most days of late make me feel like I am wandering the desert like the Israelites. Why am I wandering? Is it from my disobedience? Is from my disbelief? Have I lost who God is to me and now He has me wandering aimlessly around in the desert?

So why did the Israelites wander for 40 years? Well, they were filled with disbelief and disobedience, even after being witnesses to God’s miracles and provisions. But… God is all powerful and so why didn’t He just wipe out the whiners? And then allow the rest to enjoy the Promise Land. I wonder. 40 years! Did He really need to take 40 years to refine and purify them.

Isaiah 48:10 “See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”

Is God with me in the desert? Am I just wrestling alone in the desert? Or am I wrestling with God,  like Paul wrestled with God praying that he would remove the thorn from him? But what was God’s response? 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you” So I have to believe God’s grace will carry me through the desert. I must believe if God brought me into the desert, He will carry me through it.

Isaiah 43:2 “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze”

The thorn that consumes my heart has taken me into the desert of wandering. Did God slowly take away my success of my safe place, so that when all was stripped away, all I had left was this thorn that would break me to look to the God who sees me?

I am on a journey. A Journey that will take a lifetime as I scavenge through the Bible. It’s a huge undertaking. But the answers to my wandering are only found in this book. Am I really enough for God, for people… Can I really believe I am enough. Can I believe that God can take this broken girl who is wandering the desert with an extremely annoying thorn and bring her back to freedom.