Do you think it’s easy? Do you think I don’t want to run to you. Like a little girl runs to her dad when her heart breaks. Or like a little girl runs to her mom when she has scraped her knee.  Do you not know that I want to run and tell you “I love you” and give you a big hug and just rest in the warmth, of that embrace. To run to you for you to put my broken heart back together.  I do. I truly do. I just can’t. It’s a fight. It’s a struggle. I can see myself running to you. But these mountains. There are mountains to climb. Mountains of emotions. Mountains of rejection, scars, damaged goods, a mistake, and at the top of that mountain is a wounded little girl. These mountains take strength, time and perseverance. The climb is real. The climb is exhausting. Most days I just want to give up. Most days I just want to push those emotions, feelings back down below the surface. Below the surface where they didn’t hurt me, where they didn’t feel like a volcano ready to explode. But I can’t. The layers of emotions inside me keep slowly creeping up. Its exposing my heart. Its revealing the weaknesses in the bolted door of my heart. But when I open myself up to embrace the embrace… I can live in the memory for days. It fills my heart. There is a freedom in your arms. A freedom to let go, let  barriers down, and just embrace love. But that fear creeps in and the door slams shut.

It’s a heavy door I can’t open wide. I can crack it open. So I can peek through. Peek into the moment. I can sit still, close my eyes and imagine myself running with tears in my eyes to you and whisper the words “I love you” But it’s a fight, a struggle. Keep pushing me. Please just keep pushing me. Don’t give up on me. Each day, I struggle is one day closer to being able to  break through. Will you still be there when I am ready? When I am ready to open and break down the bolts holding down this closed door. I need to know that you will be there waiting for me, waiting for that moment. I need to know you will still be there despite all the scars, thorns, and bruises that make up me. Waiting for me to escape the chains that hold me back from feeling the sweet embrace of love of parents.

I need you to keep pursuing me. I need you to keep pushing me. I need you to because I want to one day walk in your home and sit on a couch and listen to your heartbeat and feel a sense of security, knowing I am safe, I am loved, I am wanted, I am yours. I need you to keep telling me that you love me, that you are proud of me and that everything is going to be okay. The little broken girl inside of me needs to connect, needs that embrace, needs to feel secure, needs to feel safe, and needs to be reminded that you will be there. The little girl inside me fights itself. The little girl inside of me has always been a fighter, she doesn’t know what else to do but fight. She isn’t used to being embraced. She is used to protecting herself, not letting her guard down. She is used to being brave and strong. But the little girl deep inside of me doesn’t feel so strong and brave anymore. She is tired of fighting. She is tired of being on the defensive, she just wants to be loved and feel safe.

It isn’t easy walking around feeling unsure, but it also isn’t easy unlocking the door to my heart to accept the love, security, or worth of parents. I crave that feeling. I want to embrace that feeling. I want it but I can’t overcome the unworthiness I feel in my heart to deserve such love. I am always feeling I am not enough. I am not a good enough Christian, I don’t have a good enough faith, I am not a good enough person to deserve such love, or I am just not enough. I am not enough because I will fail, I will disappoint you, or that I will not make you proud of me.

My mind is always racing. I find myself going for runs to escape. To escape the process of healing from the inside out. I have taped notes and letters in my Bible to remind myself what love is, who loves me, and what makes me special.

Romans 8:28 “All things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purposes.”

Despite our brokenness, God is the potter, who earnestly seeks to turn our wounded hearts that are fixed on Him into a cracked but solid being that rests in the embrace of the unconditional love from our Father. A father who wants what is best for His daughter.

Somedays, I am sure all that Jesus wants from me is to sit on his lap and hold me, but its not that I can’t stay still, it’s that I can’t be embraced. I can’t accept the love. Even though, nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. Fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of losing those I love, my inability to to say “I love you” , nor my inability to embrace the sweet, secure hug of a dad or mom, nothing will cut the cord attached to my heart that links me to Christ. It’s an adventure. It’s a process. It’s a journey. 

God is for me who can be against me. God doesn’t make mistakes. Even when my mind tells me I am a mistake, I am unwanted, I am not worthy… Christ still died for me and loves me. I must bathe myself in these words. I must memorize God’s word, so that my heart can heal from the pain it feels inside. God is love. God loves me despite it all. God has been by me through it all. God has a plan for me. God has a plan to take this wounded beyond repair, broken and damaged heart and turn it into something special. Even when my mind, heart and soul are ready to give up, there you are Jesus reaching out your hand. Sometimes your hand annoys me. Somedays, I wish you would give up on me. But you keep chasing after me. I can never run , where you can’t find me. How beautiful to be that wanted. God of the universe pursuing me, wanting me… wanting to shape, mold and repurpose me for a plan greater than my imagination. I must hold on tight as you chisel away at my core. I must trust you and know through it all it will be well with my soul…