If I could write a letter and one you would receive it I think I would write something like this…

Dear Dad,

You were taken to soon. Too soon for me to know the kind of dad you would have been to me, and I am only left to imagine what a dad would have really been for me. Perhaps, the night time terrors as a kid that caused me to run and hide wouldn’t have happened, or maybe the different forms of abuse I endured throughout my youth wouldn’t have occurred. I feel like you would have provided a protection of my heart and given me a safe place to lay my head. My mind wanders often seeking to remember who you were. I am left to wonder. Would you have showed me compassion, would you have been the protector of my heart, would I not feel such an emptiness because you left my life at an age that I needed you most. Of course there were so many things you missed out on. And so much more I am left to wonder what you would have said to me, Would you be proud of me? Would you be at the finish line of a race to give me a hug because you are proud of me? Would you have been at my soccer games excited to watch me play? Would you have wanted to walk me down the aisle and my wedding? Would your shoulder still be a safe place for me to rest my head? Would I have gone to college because you were there encouraging me to get an education? Would you have been the tender father that my heart needs? So much is left to the imagination. Instead of being an emotional being I was left to stuff it, suppress it, and mask it. I wasn’t to talk about you. I was left at times in a hard place stuck between wanting to show emotion and trapped into the mindset that I can’t. If I was emotional, I wasn’t being a brave, strong girl. Emotions were not acceptable. Is that the kind of dad you were?

I look around at your family as I grew up and everyone would say how much I look like you. I look like someone I don’t know. I look like someone that your family deeply loved, respected and thought so highly of. Your nieces and nephews adored your fun personality, athletic ability, frisbee talents and always comment on your intellect. I look in the mirror and I don’t see how I am like you. It’s been a huge weight for me to carry. I don’t see myself, as intelligent enough, athletic enough, talented enough, or pretty enough for you to be proud of.  Would you really be proud of me? How can I ever know you were proud of me? I do wish I could see you one more time. I do wish I could remember more of those days when you were around. I wish I could hear you read Jonah and whale to me again at bedtime. I am amazed at what I do remember, but I just wish I remembered more about you. God, saved you one once from the gunshot wound, why wouldn’t he save you again for me? Why wouldn’t he? I needed God to save you. I needed you. God took the hero of my heart. And all I can do now is wait for the day when I can see your face again. Why can’t this be just one bad dream? I sometimes wonder if you will just walk in through my front door… what would I do. Would I recognize you?

Dad, saying the word is even foreign to me because I don’t have one. I have been left with an emptiness and void inside me. Dad, where were you  when I needed protecting, where were you when my heart was broken, where were you when I was abused, or where were you when I needed a hero. I was left to fight my way through this world and its been difficult. What I wouldn’t give to feel your face and hear your heart beat again. I want to be where you are, but I can’t. I have to let you go. I have to place you in a part of my heart, where the pain won’t keep hurting me. I have to trust that you would be proud of me and that you loved me unconditionally. I have to believe in God. I have to believe God is good.  I have to believe God has a greater plan for me. I must trust that this hole can be filled. Dad, I have to let you go, but it’s so hard to let you go. Letting you go is like letting a piece of my heart go. It’s not easy letting it go. I pray that as I let you go that God will fill in the broken places of me. My heart will never be the same. Dad, I wish you could send me a sign… I just need to know you are proud of me.