The conversation. The investment. The presence. The security. The little girl a teenager entered in a new beginning. She opened herself up for a moment. She opened herself to receive love, conversation, and security. What did that moment look like…

One day, in high school  the little girl drove to the house of a couple. She typically would go there for dinner. But this day, she had received word from her mom, in way of a letter. The letter destroyed her heart. This letter and its words would be impressed upon her heart for eternity. She would in time memorize its words. And as she grew older it would be the words of this letter that would stumble her, self doubt would creep in, its in these words that she would find her self-worth. It was a powerful letter. Her heart was cracked open. So she went to their house early, and only the tendered hearted man, that the little girl had grown fond of over the past year was home. He was sitting on the couch reading. The little girl, crushed to the core. The tender-hearted man noticed she was fractured. The little girl, he referred to as “little one”, he motioned her over to the couch he was sitting on. She grabbed, the soft flannel blanket and opened herself up. She approached the couch, snuggled in next to him, and rested her sweet head on his chest. She lay quietly listening to his heart beat, as he wrapped his arm around her. She was safe. The words still playing in her head, but she was safe in the arms of this tender hearted man. She was for a moment in a place where the words couldn’t hurt her. It was a moment. It was a breakthrough. No tears came from the little girl, but she stayed in that moment of silence. The man asked no questions, he just held her as she rested her head, heart and mind and embraced the moment. The tender hearted man stroked her face, leaned down and whispered in her ear “you are safe, you are loved, we are here for you, little one”. The little girl’s eyes welled up with tears when she heard those words. For just a moment the words of her mother’s letter disappeared from her mind and she was filled a little, by his words.

The moment came and went. She opened up for a moment and before she knew it this special couple announced they were moving away. They took the little girl aside after dinner one night to tell her. The little girl was broken. She put on a brave front, she embraced it with her strong spirit, all while deep inside she felt abandoned.

The little girl would think back to that moment with the tender-hearted man, where she made herself vulnerable, but she closed back up. She became afraid to open up. She still craved that feeling. So she would re-play that moment in her head. She replayed it to remind herself of how it made her feel. How safe the feeling was. Vulnerable but safe. She clung to that moment. It was that moment that she craved. It was an iconic moment for the little girl to realize, this embrace of love, the tender moment is what a real, fleshy father would look and feel like. One day… maybe one day she could reopen that broken, abandoned heart. Maybe one day she will be able to again feel what the embrace of a father will feel like.

The little girl cherished this special couple. She never lost connection with them. Each visit was a sweet reunion. The embrace of the tender-hearted man, filled her heart. Each visit was also still bittersweet. She loved them, but she was still left afraid to open herself up again. 

The little girl would again open herself up, but it wouldn’t be for a long, long, long time. The fear of abandonment consumed her. She felt if she opened herself up again, she would be abandoned. After all, her dad had died, and her mom rejected her.  Of course, there was good that came from them moving, but the connection she had made, the progress that had occurred, and the breakthrough moments that came about soon vanished over time. The little girl tried hard to rekindle that relationship, but couldn’t and she soon just gave up. She gave up on the hope that she would ever fill the empty void within her heart. She allowed the words of her mother’s letter to penetrate into her mind and mentally defeat her. The words told her she was not lovable, not worth anything, a disappointment, and unwanted.

The words of the letter would invade her mind.

“you have been the most miserable daughter a person could ask for. Unfortunately, when I thought I couldn’t have anymore children, I asked God to please let me have one more, unfortunately I had you… My prayer for you is: I hope you will always be miserable and that all your children will make misery on your life… your father would be disappointed and not proud of the daughter you are”

These are the core words of the letter she would recite day after day. All the little girl hoped and strived to become one day, stopped at that moment. The little girl listened to those words.These words began to define her. The little girl allowed these words to seep into her. The little girl found the strength to pick herself up from those words and drive out to where her dad rested. She slowly walked out and found his grave. On his grave stone, the little girl took her jacket and covered her mom’s name off of the stone. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the name. She sat there silently for a moment and then she pulled out the tattered letter and read it to her dad. Tears welled up again in her eyes as she read the words her mother had written. She paused at the end and listened. She waited patiently, wishing her dad would give an audible voice from the ground to reassure her, that he was indeed proud of her. Silence, no voice, nothing. The little girl slowly, laid her body down onto the grass that covered the casket that his body lay in 6 feet below. Her ear pressed to the ground. What she wouldn’t give to rest her head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat again. What she wouldn’t give to feel what it would have been like to feel his arms around her, to hear him say to her the words of the tender-hearted man “you are safe, you are loved, I am here for you, little one” But all the little girl heard was silence. Silence and an emptiness inside of her is what filled her soul. Her dad was gone forever. And her mind would be eternally tormented by messages. The little girl, just stayed in that moment… She just laid there on that grass and let the tears slide down for cheek. After a little bit of time, the little girl peeled herself off the grass, dried her tears, kissed her fingers and pressed them on grave stone where her father’s name plate was and the little girl leaned back down to the grass and whispered to her dad “ one day, I hope to make you proud, I love you” She stood back up, picked up her jacket that was still covering her mom’s name and walked back to her car. She reached her car and sat there in silence. She took a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. She inhaled all those feelings, with each inhale, she pushed all of her emotion deep inside. Then she would exhale. Exhale out the memory of what could have been. Exhale what should have been. The little girl pushed that moment away. She wanted to suffocate that moment, so it would die off and she could just put one foot in front of the other and be the brave, strong little girl everyone wanted her to be.

Would she ever be able to escape the words of the letter? Would she ever be able to believe that she was truly loved, wanted, or feel the sweet embrace of security in the arms of a father and a mother. Would she be able to embrace that sense of security, love, and break through the barrier of those words? Would those moments boil to the surface? Would the little girl ever face her rejection, her fear, or her need to feel loved?