Dad, why did you leave before I could say I love you. Dad, why did you leave before my heart, and mind could remember you. I can’t remember what you felt like, how you hugged me or how much you loved me. You left me too soon. You left me before I could remember being able to utter the words” I love you” Words I can barely utter now as an adult.  You left this void within my soul, heart, and inner most being. I am left walking this road, with a bunch of random memories, that are fuzzy at best. I am left with a struggle of being vulnerable, of opening myself up because of a fear they will leave me too. Why, did you leave me before  I could say I love you.

Isolated, alone, fear, and nightmares consumed my youth. I was left to cling to the hope that one day I could escape it all. One day, I would break free from the pain that consumes me. I would break free from the fear of never measuring up, being good enough, smart enough, successful enough, wanted enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or perfect enough . I learned I had to earn love. And I just couldn’t earn it. I couldn’t be the girl, who was just loved for me. I was left with a conditional love. I was left walking through most of my adult years and still now wondering how someone would love me because I haven’t earned it. I have made too many mistakes. I am not worthy of such love. Why did you leave before I could say I  love you.

If I could just remember saying it, if I could just remember you saying it to me, then I would know you were proud of me, that love keeps going to the end, it always looks for the best, or that it never gives up. Instead, I am consumed by the idea that I will never be good enough to be loved completely. I will never be enough. It has left me insecure. It has left me fearful. It has left me vulnerable. It has caused me to protect myself. I struggle to be confident that my husband will love me unconditionally. Why would he, when I had to earn it? And I failed at that… I have protected myself from opening up deep enough to let others in. Why did you leave me before I could say I love you.

God, I will never understand that my broken heart is apart of your plan. God, you are good. Everyday I have to remind myself that you are good. Everyday, I have to remember that you are God and I am not. My ways are not your ways. You work all things out for the good of those who love you. Am I good enough for you? God, will you still love me as I am?  God, you have placed a longing in my heart to feel loved, to be loved. I pray that you break down the barrier that prevents me from accepting it. I pray that you will open my wounded and broken heart, so that I can truly learn what it is to be loved. I pray that I can embrace love, that I can say the words and have peace from the this infected wound in my heart.

John 14:27 NLT

“I am leaving you with a gift- Peace of mind and heart, and the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”